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I am an Old Soul with a Dark Style. 

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

I've had a break. (And been on a break) Heartache/heartbreak and battling my Anxiety and Depression.

As many of you who regularly used to read my blog will know, I was happily married.

But life it seems, has to throw it's curve-balls. Just to make sure you're still paying attention and trying. That you haven't given up and fallen into a rut because it got "too easy".

   What you may not know is that although my Husband and I have been together 8 years. For 5 years of that we were trying for a baby. And failing. Despite that we still enjoyed our lives together. It wasn't a big thing- until it was a big thing for me. After a few basic tests we discovered he was completely fine and normally functioning. Which then meant that the issue lay with me.
I have had quite a horrific past sexually, but I'll leave that for another post- but that past, combined with feeling like I was failing as a basic human, let alone as a female, kinda sent me a bit off the rails. And my Husband too. Admittedly we became toxic for one another. He was reacting to my bullsh*t. And we never, and I mean NEVER talked about it...which was a massive mistake on both parts.

   After going to the Doctors in November 2014 and explaining our situation, and that we had been trying for 5 years, our lovely Doc referred us to the hospital so I could go through all the motions and help of fertility guidance etc...
He warned us there and then that most couples don't survive. But I dismissed that notion within seconds because we were "fine". But by the end of December It was quite apparent we were not "fine" by any measure. Arguing constantly which we never do- and I tell no lie, what we used to do was bicker, get pissed off then end up laughing about it and everything would be fine again, but nope- now there were full on shouting matches now. Even after moving house and our supposed "fresh start".
   One very tear-filled night at the very beginning of January 2015, not long after we got our fertility test date through- we decided to go our separate ways. We had been arguing almost constantly for a week, both saying stuff we knew neither of us meant, but we stuck by it because we were angry;
 "I don't want kids anyway"
"Everything has become stale and boring"
"I feel trapped"
We hurt each other so soooo bad and what stopped us from saying sorry was the fact we both felt like we deserved it.

 We stayed in the same house for a couple of months. I treated it like I was renting a room and we were friends. Which we were. (and still are) BEST FRIENDS. As it became apparent there was no going back I moved out and moved in with a good friend of mine. We each began seeing other people...my life became exciting again.
    I was lost weight. Discovered I was still attractive to other men. Building my confidence. Started my artwork again. Finished my Beauty Course. Started Gaming again! I was Battling my Anxiety too. I "found myself" as damn cheesy as that sounds- but I really did. I discovered what made my Social Anxiety and Depression worse. It did get worse for a short spell...and it got better again when i realised what my issue was...all without any outside help. I turned my inward hatred on its head and started looking out at everything bad like a challenge or an obstacle to over come. At first my Husband hated me, to him it seemed I had moved on so easily. And how quickly he moved on made me feel like I really couldn't have even meant that much to him in the first place. But we remained friends. Still things unspoken. Left in the past. Where it belonged.
   But although I missed him every day, and I had days where my head hurt from crying so much, and my heart felt like it was actually broken...I decided to outweigh the bad days with good days. Started making good and positive experiences for myself. Met some truely wonderful and amazing people along the way. And admittedly hurt a few people too. I think because I was becoming so positive and strong I was attracting guys but in the wrong way. Where as I was looking at it as fun life experiences, meeting new amazing people, one or two fell for me. And I hurt them. I put them through the heartbreak I was trying to escape. So I put a stop to that too. No more. No More guys. Yes the attention was nice and the confidence boost was great but now I didn't need it and they didn't deserve it.
   My friend i moved in with has been my rock. She's awesome. We started our own little Make up, Beauty and Hair business together. Suddenly I find I have a business head to screw on. things to do. Places to be. I changed jobs from minimum hours at Hobby Craft to Weekends at Primark. It's such a great place to work! I'm having so much fun. Suddenly I have A future, aspirations, dreams coming true...But Dreams without my Husband.

   I've known the man I call my Husband since I was 18. He literally knows me inside out and back to front. He can tell what mood i'm in by what smile i have on. He can tell what i'm thinking by what i'm doing with my hands. He's been my rock through my mental health issues. My body health issues and all the horrid negative hurdles I've had to jump...as well as being there through all the best times too. And now suddenly I was looking at all of this possibilities with renewed and refreshed eyes, but without him in the picture...but the space was there for him.
   We had seen each other regularly through our time apart. Even when we were both seeing other people. We still occasionally hung out. I'd go round for dinner once in a while. See our pets. Check-in with each other and with each others family,
   Officially we had been apart 9 months, We were messaging randomly and both said "I really miss you" within minutes of each other, and we both meant it. I felt myself well up. I thought he was angry at me for getting on so well without him. And it turned out he though I hated him for things he said or never did say. In the end we decided to meet up and go for a meal. Talk. And boy did we talk the night away. Said every single thing we wanted to say and neither of us reacted badly. We had both grown in our own ways. He was more responsible. Running a house had made him see the daily stress i went through as well as working, things he admittedly took for granted like having to clean up after his house mate...I even remember him saying "I just wish he'd help, its not hard to pick up a hoover or brush" and I laughed so hard because I had said pretty much that same sentence about him multiple times in the past. "Karmas a bitch" was my response to him.
   He saw how confident I had become in myself. Felt less pressure that he was the only thing keeping me happy. Saw that I was battling my Depression and Anxiety daily without him and winning. I had made myself stronger in his absance and this in turn meant there was less pressure on him to keep me running as well as himself. I relied on him almost too much. When my anxiety was at its worst i wouldnt even leave the house. He had to go to the shops for me. We never went out and did anything together. I was using him as my crutch. Not that he'd ever say it. He thought it was what he was supposed to do. As a Spouse to someone with mental health issues arent you supposed to be the one they rely on? - yes - but not entirely. .I was using him as an excuse to not get better. And it took me being without him to realise i was putting too much pressure on him to make me better. As much as he felt it was his job to- it really wasn't. He was support, not the cure. and that was a huge fault on my part and a massive realisation of being alone.
   But whatever switches flicked on in my head, well it worked. I realised this was a massive issue he'd never ever complain about.
   Now were dating again. Everything's had a master reset and been renewed. I feel like we're falling in love all over again. It just re-affirms the original feelings as an 19 year old that we were meant to be together. It's been a whirlwind experience but as much as its been heartbreaking and depressing its been revitalising and I feel like a new human stepping out into a new world of possibilities- but ones i'm making for myself. I'm not waiting to magically get better. I'm MAKING myself better. And i feel lucky in the fact that my Husband is going to still be there with me. Our hiatus has done something magically positive for us.

  Admittedly this isn't the case for all couples. I do believe some people just aren't meant to be. We've lost a lot of friends along the way, and cut out a good few more. We have made new friends and we, together, are taking it slow and building stronger foundations to stand on. Looking positively forward TOGETHER. I feel lucky to have the chance to try again. But also safe in the knowledge that i know neither of us will take one another for granted again as we both know we can survive without each other.

   We're like entirely different people yet with all the same foundations and memories of what made us so happy and great together in the first place.

   So yeah...that's why I've been on hiatus. And now i run my beauty stuff with my friend whos is an excelled hair dresser I figured it was a great time to get back into the swing of things again and get some beauty and hair stuffs on the go!
Thanks for Reading!

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