Saturday 5 August 2017

Always Keep Fighting

     I'm not jumping on the bandwagon of being the "biggest fan" of a recent celebrity who's death is all over the news, and I'm not writing this because it is popular to talk about. I've actually instead, been inspired to write and tell you that you matter.

Depression and all other mental health issues are horrible. No matter what you do or say, sometimes people just can't see that you are reaching out a helping hand. And equally some people are just so good at pretending they're floating along fine that under the surface even their closest family and friends cannot see that they are so close to being dragged under and drowning.

    This facade is unfortunately blameless. No two people can react to the same mental health issues in the exact same way. While subject number 1 with Depression can be obviously depressed and eventually receive help, subject number 2's depression could be completely masked, and masked so well they are overlooked by everyone. And both these subjects are equally as in need of help. But in the UK at least. although flawed, there is a system in place that can and WILL help if you ask. But something as simple as asking for help seems like just such an easy feat to any "normal" person. To someone suffering under the weight of their own mental health, this is almost impossible.
    To add to that- the day to day stigmas of close minded people who have never have, or never will suffer from any issues like this. Society has been so closed and looked away from so many people over the centuries, we have endless amounts of evidence of clearly mentally challenged, mentally disabled and mentally ill people suffering from various psychological mental health issues being either locked away, ignored, experimented on and even killed. There are studies into the horrors of Psychiatric hospitals, people with schizophrenia being "treated" for possession, being burned for being a witch. And all of this needless suffering and pain has come from the simple act of a lack of compassion and refusal to want to understand, and almost a fear because so many people seem unable to understand. And this exact thing is still happening, and I suspect will still continue to happen no matter how many people try and talk about it in a way that everyone will understand.

    Of course I am referring to Chester Bennington of Linkin Park. In the last couple of years we have had our fair share of celebrity deaths, through various reasons, including suicide, but none hit me quite as hard as this. Mainly because it brought to light the exact thing most mental health sufferers fear most, and that is the Depression (or other illness) winning.
   The only way I can begin to describe it is if you know you have this huge, overpowering darkness inside. You have lived under it for years. You are perhaps at a point where you have an umbrella to shield you from its heavy downpours, or you have a box you can compress it all down and store it in, and for the brief times you are not under its control, and you are able to be "Lucid" and "Normal" you can look back at it and see how much it affects your entire life. All aspects of it, like an annoying fly buzzing in the background of every conversation, every laugh, every smile, it's lurking back there and you know its there. You can even hear it on the happiest day at the happiest moments. You wonder how everyone else hears and sees the world without this evil buzzing about you and your entire life. And the fear as you look back from your lucidity is that it will get so big one day you can't put it back in its box, your umbrella wont work, no one walking past will be able to save you. Nothing will break through the overwhelming sadness you feel into your very soul- and what makes it worse is it all seems to be for no reason. You could have the love of your life next to you, beautiful kids and the perfect job, plenty of money and be the saddest most depressed person in the world. This pressure, this overwhelming horror of every day life hurting your soul on a daily basis makes you want to end it. What is the point in "living" if there is literally nothing to live for. If every day seems like it is your darkest day. When it feels like all the hatred in the entire world is your fault and it all falls back on you.
This is the scariest part. Your brain, Your emotions, your soul. What makes you also the thing that seems to want to kill you. It makes you not want to be here any more. You don't want to eat, or you want to eat too much. you don't want to be alone but you don't want to go out. You can't stand your own company but you're stuck in here with you- forever.
Imagine the most hated person you can in your life. Someone you'd easily hurt without a second imagine that person is you. And live like that, for the rest of your days.
There is enough hatred on the planet as it is, without you then hating yourself too. And if you have a vendetta against yourself. Who's going to really win?


I am a diagnosed, high Anxiety sufferer and I have paranoia, and as a result this makes me depressed. I have been suffering for many, many years. I had my first panic attack at the age of 12 because I was worried about what happens to you when you die. And the very vast expanse that is our endless universe exists within what? What is the universe actually within...
BOOM. Panic.
I had no idea what this was. I thought that I'd been worrying about death so much I'd managed to kill myself with my mind.I actually thought I was dying and I couldn't escape it.
I still panic and freak out about this now. I had a panic attack about dying in June last year. I sat screaming and crying in absolute fear on my landing, while my husband cradled me and tried to calm me down. You cannot escape it.

I have Anxiety as a result of being sexually abused between the ages of 8-12 by a "well loved local man". he was a family friend. As a result of this, therapy, court case and coming to terms with it all... and also blaming myself. I missed a lot of school, kids at school I thought knew about it all and were talking about me. The people in my small town too...which it actually turns out they were talking about me, even going as far as to call me a "slut" at the age of 14. I had people that I was no longer allowed to be friends with... and I was constantly aware of everyone around me. Hyper aware. I'd listen to everyone else's conversations, even from afar. I'd be looking around everywhere to see who was where, if they were looking at me, what were they doing, why? Did I know them, are they walking towards me, if they do come over where can I go to get away from them. I started to predict things before they happened because I was so aware of everything I knew what was coming next, My natural instincts, my "fight or flight" reflex was on constant high alert. Code red 24/7. I became an introvert. I had a few very close very amazing friends. Who I am sure, without them and my amazing family, I wouldn't still be here...because living with that anxiety every day, being so on edge was exhausting and I was tired of myself and my life.
   By the age of 16 I didn't want to be here anymore. For someone so afraid of death and what happens when you die, I was very quick and willing to end it. THAT'S how much control it had. I knew this was such a bad thing to have, I grasped desperately at anything to keep me here. I remember watching ITV2 and a TV series called Supernatural was just airing, I watched the entire first season without fail and then it ended on a huge cliff hanger, I remember thinking "well I can't do it yet, I need to see what happens"- so literally as you can see, ANY excuse I could find to not let it win. It was like I was bargaining with my own brain to just survive a bit longer... just want to see the next season, or I just want to make it till Sunday so I can go on a walk to the local woods with my best friend...I cant do it now I've got to go swimming tomorrow with my Pops. I was desperate to anchor myself here for any reason, because daily I could feel this depression taking over and taking me away.
    I used to self harm as a way of controlling it. Remind myself that I was still in control and not my Anxiety or Depression, ME, I was still here. And if I wanted to mark myself I could. And I did.
   Guess what... I was in control, I am still here. I am a fighter. And ironically the cast of Supernatural have an "always keep fighting" campaign now for people who are struggling. (I will post links at the end).
I was officially diagnosed after becoming really bad again at the age of about 22. I was working for a large supermarket chain here in the UK. I had to move from a department I loved because of my scoliosis and I ended up on a department where I loved most of the people but one manager just didn't understand me at all. By this point in my life i'd worked out I had some form of anxiety and depression. So I also knew when I was pushing myself too much. I began to hate my job and this woman so much on the way to work I just wanted to walk into traffic, make it look like an accident. No one would hate me then. In the end i just wanted to jump off the overpass into the road below. I actually laughed at the image of her seeing my body and being like "oh I guess she really was depressed". She was the kind of person who would tell an Anorexic person to "just eat something". So ignorant to others needs.
    I knew I was becoming very bad, and also that perhaps I was focusing all of my paranoia into this one person hating me. I started to skip work a lot. Call in sick for weeks at a time. I knew it wasn't right so I went to the doctors...and he recommended I do less hours, this didn't go down well with the evil manager and I ended up being signed off work, for months at a time. I was put onto medication and told to "relax" try and enjoy the little things in the every day. The therapist I eventually did get to see told me to document my good days with photos and share them, as a way of proving to others I wasn't "mental" (as I kept describing it) and to help my paranoia. I had very few good days, but when I did i'd put the odd photo's online, i'd be proud that I left the house and that I did my own shopping etc...But this actually really backfired and I ended up getting several disciplinary's for "not looking sick" after people I worked and considered friends, took these photos of me out of context, without my captions explaining i'd conquered my agoraphobia and gone to the shop etc; all of it was seen as being off work for no reason. Apparently trying to kill yourself and wanting to kill yourself weren't acceptable reasons for being off work. They didn't understand that, the one photo of me in my garden, and the one of some cakes I baked...well, in my garden was as far out of my house as I had gone for an entire month, and that after id made the cupcakes I smashed them up because I was too fat to enjoy them. This manager sat across from me in my meeting and smirked as she read back my private Facebook status's and used examples of people seeing me food shopping, or out and about (usually going to therapy or my doctors) and they had told her I looked completely fine. So clearly there was nothing wrong. This hit me hard. Because first off, I felt like no one believed me. and secondly people who were my 'friends' at work, and so understanding were reporting me for this shit after knowing everything that was going on...
Paranoia overload.
I rage quit that job. I tried to get justice for constructive dismissal but I didn't have any evidence as I didn't document it all. I spiraled into a deep depression. got into debt because I was out of work for over a year in the end and I was saved simply by the strength of my Husband, my close family and a tiny amount of friends. In fact during this time I lost a lot of friends. I was declining invites. I went months without replying to people and seeing anyone. The darkness had escaped it's box and I was lost in it.

And this is why Chester hit me hard. So many people knew he was depressed. Knew he suffered. But everyone has said how he seemed "fine". he looked "fine" he was "happy".
   I used to (and still do) listen to Linkin Parks songs, and they used to speak to me on such a level that understood exactly how it felt, and I felt relieved that someone was making songs about the exact things I was feeling. This guy had this horrible thing of depression but he was beating it and did beat it every day...until one day it won. I am battling my issues back on a daily basis, friends and family members have their own similar issues, they are fighting every day, and looking at them and thinking about how it is terrifying that some may not win. What if IT wins. It gets so many people on a daily basis and their seems to be nothing we can do...But there is. Their really is. Just be there. Think of your words. The most precious thing on this earth is time. Respect the time you have and if you can give your time to others then do. Just a text or a phone call to see how someone is could save someones life. Let them know they matter to you. They are enough. And this planet needs them. You need them. And if you don't understand mental health issues or you think suicide is "selfish", spend one minuet talking to someone who has these problems, and actually LISTEN. Don't just listen to reply with why you are "right". Educate yourself. And if you still can't find that compassion for another human life, then perhaps question why you are here. If it's religion you believe, science, spirits...whatever, why are YOU here on this planet? Is it to be oblivious to everyone and everything else around you, what will that mean you take with you in the end? Is it to not care at all and just blindly skip along until you end. Or Is it to tell someone they mean something...could that be the only sentence you need to say to save someone, because surely even if you don't understand, knowing you have been supportive of another human soul is thousands of times better than the negativity people are so quick to spew. You matter. They Matter. All human lives matter. Even if you don't understand, you can help.

The planet is one finite force of life, and it all matters. Save everyone and everything you can. And Always Keep Fighting.

Saturday 22 July 2017

New Hair; From Purple Sludge to Smooth Blonde Balayage. (and I shaved my head)

Ooops I did it again, I played with My lost in the game...and then it went shit...

Pretty much sums it up in one bi-line right there.
 I was ginger. I was FINALLY the ginger of my fiery dreams and I got bored, BORED. Well that's very simplified, actually my Pops died and I went into a spiral of panic, and realisation about my own mortality and to distract myself I went for a hair overhaul... Insta regret. It wasn't until I emerged from the coma of grief that I realised what I had done...I'd dyed my hair PURPLE...why? Why did I suddenly want purple. I had Ginger hair because i'd always wanted it, and as a bonus I could now cosplay as Triss at Comicon, but those plans were cancelled anyway so I guess with the freedom to have any colour I went for the most ridiculous, other than my old green, Damn I loved that green..Anyway. At first I dyed it a very deep, level 3 Dark Violet Blue. This was my first mistake.
This was my lovely "Before" Ginger, using Goldwell Top Chic, 8KG and a KK mix with 20vol.

Then straight over that I slapped on a Framesi 2001 3IB (i think)
You can already see in this image why it was a HUGE mistake. First off; the violet tones will go brown because of the warmth from the ginger underneath which you can already see happening around the top, and then on the ends where it was lighter, more damaged and porous, it went more blue/green. 

So not happy with it being a million different shades I let it fade out a bit, only took two turn into this:
Just a weird brown, with hints of purple.
And then I got my friend (and also a hairdresser so I wasn't mixing it wrong) do put on a vibrant Purple which I really loved. And even she was impressed with how vibrant the colour was.
This was the Framesi 2001 5IV with a 20vol Proxima Developer. And it looked stunning.
But the groundwork to my hair had already determened that this hair colour would be THE HARDEST THING TO KEEP IN MY HAIR. No matter what shampoo I used, how long I went between washes, the longest it stayed this vibrant for was 3 about 8 days, and then I was having to re-dye it again. 
Then my depression from my Papa passing really kicked in. I had a "fuck it" moment, shaved off the side of my hair, like i'd been wanting to do for 4 years, as evidenced by my pinterest board of side shaves. But I just thought, do you know's too short, I want it done. BOOM. 
And I rock this btw...just not the color as it turns out. It was lovely while it was vibrant, but I was so low I just didn't care about keeping up with dying it every two weeks and gave up. This is what it looked like after two weeks of washing it with a colour protect shampoo...
Shocking. But yeah, as I said, i'd given up at this point. I then started using Head and Shoulders nearly everyday for a solid month to deliberately fade the colour out. I also decided to book myself in to get something done to it professionally. I had no idea what I was going to get, but anything was better than this mess. 
So, by the end you can see I still had quite purple roots and green/blue/brown ends. 

This is when the magic happened. I went to Victoria Jaynes Hair and Beauty (Yeovil)  and over the course of 6 hours she worked some mad magic with the help of Olaplex and Loreal Hair Colors.

And after hours of work she created a masterpiece of balayage and blond glory!!!

I mean seriously! Mind= BLOWN this was my hair and this IS now my hair. I'm over the moon!!!

Even my badass side shave doesn't look as out of place!

    I am just so happy. It really does pay to invest in your hair and have a professional do it. Plus the use of Olaplex is pretty much the only reason I think I still actually have hair. I cannot rate it highly enough!
 If a salon near you is trained in using it and provides and Olaplex service, then do it. 
(side note other salons may say they provide a hair bond protect/repair service, but Olaplex is PATENTED technology and cannot be duplicated by other brands so don't fall for second rate treatments)

Overall  I've had my new hair for about 5 weeks. I use Silver shampoo to combat any ginger tones I did have and it looks lovely. I cannot fault it at all. I am so happy.  


Sunday 11 June 2017

Beauty Brawl Day 9- Hand Cream

Day 9- Hand Cream

I think technically for this one I cheated, because I know i've purchase this stuff before a year or so ago...but I fell in love with it all over again. I bought this when this summer Beauty Brawl was being planned, its been in my bag with me everywhere I go and its nearly all gone already. 
Where I work is very hands on. It's a lot of boxing, unpacking, dealing with paperwork, computer use, so my hands bare the brunt of all of my daily tasks and as a result dry out super quick. But this stuff leaves my hands and nails feeling divine and smelling edible!

Product: 89
Packaging: 75
Price: 90

Probably unfair that the hand cream I had before this was Lushs' "helping hands" so it had a lot to live up to, but to be honest although it doesn't feel as "good for you" as lush products do, it held it's own with its performance. I marked it slightly lower for the Packaging as i feel like it can be looked at again, the package can be quite bulky, so maybe a smaller tube, for cheaper obviously..or in a screw lid tub like a lush cream so it doesn't randomly pop open in your bag. The scent is amazing though, people around you commend on the smell for ages after you applied it. I found it was even leaving the scent on my computer keyboard. 
Price at the moment is insane obviously because it is on offer, but even at full price it is still totally worth it for the results and the amount of product you get. Highly recommend this and am actually thinking i may try the other scents they do too.
 Love and Light xoxo

Beauty Brawl Day 8- False eyelashes

Day 8- False Lashes

I don't wear false lashes, and today was going to be an exception but i'm working, and i'll be damned if i'm going to be putting eyelashes on at 6:30am and surviving the day at work with them on, without rubbing my instead I'm just going to tell you right now the ONLY lashes you need for day to day wear and even cross over into night is 020 in either Natural Lash or Eyelure. 
They are my fail safe, my security blanket, my go-to for any client, any eye shape and any occasion. You can even layer them up as the band is clear and make them look fuller, or wear them as they are and pass them off as your own, they genuinely are the best lashes i have had the pleasure of using. 

Product: 95
Packaging: 70
Price: 90

They're inexpensive, they are re-usable if you treat them right, they easily last all day, they can be layered for volume, the band is clear so if fitted right you cannot even tell they are false, easy to trim and just one of the ultimate must have products i ca have in my professional beauty kit. 

  Love and Light xoxo

Beauty Brawl Day 7- Primer

Day 7- Primer

Day 7 already and we are onto primers! Not something I usually use on myself. It's usually something I reserve for clients who want their make up to last all day for special events...and they do work. It's just never been something I've felt  I needed. If I do wear make up I top it up myself throughout the day, but at work I don't tend to care or notice my make up state. 

For this I chose something I thought would help combat against my redness from my Rosacea. So I went with the Barry M flawless Colour Correcting Primer £5.99

Product: 80
Packaging: 90
Price: 60

Packaging...well its clear! which is one of my favorite things as you can actually see how much product is left! The product itself smells a bit weird to me, but it soon fades. I found because of my redness I was having to use a lot of product though to get any kind of result, and because of that I marked it lower in price as I should imagine this will only last me a few weeks. 

So as you can see, before, with primer, and then with make up. There is actually a really noticeable difference. Because of the amount of product i did have to use i think its something i'll save for special occasions, days out etc...not for every day use. 

Love and Light xoxo