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I am an Old Soul with a Dark Style. 

Monday, 7 April 2014

I FAIL at being alone...

I've always been what i thought of as a "lone wolf" kind of person, very self-sufficient, don't need anyone etc... then i realised when i first left home to go to university in Wales, that in fact, this wasn't true...like at all.
When i was first born, i shared a room in a cot with my parents in a teeny 1 bed flat. From birth right up to the age of 5 and a half when my sister was born we lived there, all together, then we moved to a bigger house and i shared a room with my sister. That was the case, including all the usual arguments, room boundaries and the addition of my brother (who got his own room to himself) right up until i was 19 and left for uni.
University was the first time i'd had MY OWN ROOM. It was awesome, but at this point i'd already met someone, (my now husband), and 2-3 nights a week he'd come up and stay in my uni room with me on his days off work. And i'm not even sure university counted as being alone because i shared halls with 4 other people! Then there was a shared house where my partner and i shared a room, and lived together. Then, after leaving university we moved into a friends house for a few months, then got our own flat... now we have a house we rent!!!
So... in conclusion, all those time's when i was younger, i felt like i had no friends, no one around, that i was "alone" i was ALWAYS with someone, or someone was always around. And Now for the FIRST TIME EVER in my life i am literally all alone in my house for more then a couple of days and i feel like i've gone utterly mad after less then a whole day! I literally have cried my eyes out on and off all day; i'm bored, so i moved ALL OF THE FURNITURE around and then got tired, argued with the cats, the cats argued with each other, then i got in a huff because i couldn't get the room to look how i wanted it, then i cried again, then i made dinner, then i carried on tidying up after i'd DESTROYED everything (because i was bored) and now i've just found myself in tears again because i'm making my usual hot drink before bed and i wanted to ask my Husband if he wanted one, and of course he's away, and it was just so depressing to see just one cup on the side...Way to go lone wolf...really pulling your independence out of the bag!!!

What makes all of this worse, with a somewhat generous sprinkling of irony, is that i suffer very badly with Social Anxiety, and it usually results in some form of Agoraphobia too. So while i'm sat at home feeling all alone, i also don't want to go outside and see anyone, or even have anyone come round, because my brain doesn't like that either. I'm DOOMED.

I'm going to bed alone, to watch Pokemon, probably play Pokemon Y, with my two cats, crazy cat lady style... i'm no lone wolf... piisssh. Closest thing i'll have to a strong independent "wolf" status is the fact i howl when i cry.

...coming soon....
What i HATE about having Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia...and why people who don't have it should experience it at least once.

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