I've always been what i thought of as a "lone wolf" kind of person, very self-sufficient, don't need anyone etc... then i realised when i first left home to go to university in Wales, that in fact, this wasn't true...like at all.
When i was first born, i shared a room in a cot with my parents in a teeny 1 bed flat. From birth right up to the age of 5 and a half when my sister was born we lived there, all together, then we moved to a bigger house and i shared a room with my sister. That was the case, including all the usual arguments, room boundaries and the addition of my brother (who got his own room to himself) right up until i was 19 and left for uni.
University was the first time i'd had MY OWN ROOM. It was awesome, but at this point i'd already met someone, (my now husband), and 2-3 nights a week he'd come up and stay in my uni room with me on his days off work. And i'm not even sure university counted as being alone because i shared halls with 4 other people! Then there was a shared house where my partner and i shared a room, and lived together. Then, after leaving university we moved into a friends house for a few months, then got our own flat... now we have a house we rent!!!
So... in conclusion, all those time's when i was younger, i felt like i had no friends, no one around, that i was "alone" i was ALWAYS with someone, or someone was always around. And Now for the FIRST TIME EVER in my life i am literally all alone in my house for more then a couple of days and i feel like i've gone utterly mad after less then a whole day! I literally have cried my eyes out on and off all day; i'm bored, so i moved ALL OF THE FURNITURE around and then got tired, argued with the cats, the cats argued with each other, then i got in a huff because i couldn't get the room to look how i wanted it, then i cried again, then i made dinner, then i carried on tidying up after i'd DESTROYED everything (because i was bored) and now i've just found myself in tears again because i'm making my usual hot drink before bed and i wanted to ask my Husband if he wanted one, and of course he's away, and it was just so depressing to see just one cup on the side...Way to go lone wolf...really pulling your independence out of the bag!!!
What makes all of this worse, with a somewhat generous sprinkling of irony, is that i suffer very badly with Social Anxiety, and it usually results in some form of Agoraphobia too. So while i'm sat at home feeling all alone, i also don't want to go outside and see anyone, or even have anyone come round, because my brain doesn't like that either. I'm DOOMED.
I'm going to bed alone, to watch Pokemon, probably play Pokemon Y, with my two cats, crazy cat lady style... i'm no lone wolf... piisssh. Closest thing i'll have to a strong independent "wolf" status is the fact i howl when i cry.
...coming soon....
What i HATE about having Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia...and why people who don't have it should experience it at least once.
Showing posts with label social anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social anxiety. Show all posts
Monday, 7 April 2014
Friday, 24 January 2014
Motivational Blog Post; A bit about my life/grab life by the horns/ do it now!
If you can make it to the end it'll be worth it i promice. I'm doing this long rambling because I've just finished having a brief but heavy conversation with my Husband about his goals in life, and "getting somewhere". He had a negative response for any suggestion and this has made me realise, i wish i was eliquent enough to be a motivational speaker, because i (hope) i kicked his butt with words!
Some of you may know, if you follow me on Instagram (sway1988) or on facebook (facebook.com/kimberleycreative) that i suffer from Social Anxiety, Depression and mild agrophobia, as well as a number of medical issues including a mild scoliosis, migraines, hip issues and a heart murrmur. I'll be the first to admit in the past and sometimes even now i use them as excuses to get out of "life" things. For example if i don't want to leave the house or see/speak to anyone, i'll say i have a migraine, unless of course i do actually have a migraine then it's a bit like crying wolf. I may have promised to help someone and i've said my backs playing up, to get out of it. Harsh but true. I have done these things. But now i'm older and i'm addressing these mental and physical issues i have nothing to fall back on, and it's scary, but it's been the best thing ever. I'm now doing things with my life. If your hiding behind things too, for now it may be what you need, but dont use it forever. You need to get out there and make an effort to be a human.
If you take NO as a first and final answer you're going to get no where in life. If someone tells you, you can't do something and you let them close that door on that oppertunity and you DON'T fight to get through there, you never wanted it bad enough. If that doors closed, and you really care, you'd kick the door down, climb through a window, try the back door! Anything! And this is the same with everything, if it's fighting for someone you love, your family, your house, your job...a career...ýou scrape and claw at it until you're there. No isn't an answer, it's a momentary pause before you continue. I'm a perfect example!
My dream is to own my own Tattoo parlour. People have been telling me "no" from day one! But i'm still here trying to get to my original destination. First it was my art teacher in secondary school telling me i'm not an artist, my drawings are too "precised and technical", I do "too much research"... all of which is a GOOD thing in tattooing, she said i should "never persue a career in art"... you know what i did? I done my A-levels, and went to college to study Art and illustration, and was accepted straight away from the first page of my portfolio! My tutor loved my style and thought process. But when i finished college i wanted to go straight into a job, straight into tattooing at 18/19. But i was convinced not to by some of my family and by tutors at college, as tattooing "wasnt a real job". My ass it isn't! The tattoo industry has some of the hardest working and dedicated people you'll ever know, they put hours into their work, their art, their PASSION. And i had that passion right up until this point, when they threw a bucket of water over it. "Ÿou're too pretty to be a tattooist"- Yeah, well you're too narrow minded! That passion still burned underneath.
So instead i went to university to study Computer Game Design. It was a fantastic course, don't get me wrong, but it wasnt what i wanted. It took me two years of the course to realise, and in the end i dropped out, with half a degree and up to my eyeballs in debt. It's not a good way to start an adult life. I ended up nearly homeless at one point (with my fiance) and we had to get help from family to find ourselves a place, rented, so money down the drain, and then we had to get bog-standard boring jobs that neither of us wanted, just to get by and pay bills. I ended up in a supermarket for nearly 4 years and My other half in a large computing store. I left my job last year after my depression got too bad to function, and i only realise now that i'm getting better, that it was because i wasn't DOING anything with my life... I'd do tattoo designs for people, research local tattooists that had the right style they wanted and send them there. I'd apply to be an apprentice, get told my art was great but "they're not taking anyone on" but then i'd go in a month or so later and their "mates kid" would be working there, that's obviously great for them but i'm still stuck here with a "no". I didn't have these connections. My dad isnt a tattooist, nor is my best mate, they can't take me on! It was literaly a case of "who you know" whch is tough in a smaller town. Always a "no, sorry". And it was a "no" i'd been hearing for 5 years. Which is 5 years too long. I can't change the past, if i could i'd have gone straight into tattooing after college, but it's not worked out that way. So now i'm clawing my way down a side ally, all to eventually get to my goal of owning my own shop. I'm studying beauty part time to get myself back out into the work place, doing something i enjoy, it's not a "meaningless" job like the supermarket was. I will actually progress, get somewhere, earn the money i need to pay someone to give me the further tattooing experience i crave and need, i can even combine the two (kind of) with semi-premanent make up skills etc...
I know I'm a creative person and i need an outlet, if it' sewing, drawing, designing company logos, doing peoples make up, making them feel amazing, creating blog posts! Creating things has been the only constant in my life. I'm lucky to have support from my Husband, my mum, brother and sister etc... but the only thing that can get me anywhere is me. It took me too long to realise that, and i'm still at square one, but you know what? -I've drawn myself out a new path, worked around the obsticals and i'll get there.
This long-assed post is to tell you YOU CAN DO THE SAME.
If you're told no, exhaust every avenue. If you can't decide on something, do a list, pro's and cons, narrow it down so that you have one clear choice... everyone needs a goal. If you're lucky enough to know that goal already then go for it. Do all you can to get there. Not everyone is given the opportunities they may deserve, but you can always find another way to get there. No matter how big or small your goal is, make a plan of attack and just go for it. Life's too short to put it off for too long. If you miss your bus you'll be straned somewhere you dont want to be, so if the bus has passed, call a cab; NOW! Steal a skateboard, ride a horse majestically into the sunset! Whatever you do just go for it. So when you're old, and wrinkly and accomplished, with no "what if's" and maybe a few regrets, you can pass away peacefully and look back at your life and just think "FUCK YEAH, I DID THAT"
DO IT
NOW
RIGHT THIS SECOND!
Good luck! You know you deserve it! XxX
Some of you may know, if you follow me on Instagram (sway1988) or on facebook (facebook.com/kimberleycreative) that i suffer from Social Anxiety, Depression and mild agrophobia, as well as a number of medical issues including a mild scoliosis, migraines, hip issues and a heart murrmur. I'll be the first to admit in the past and sometimes even now i use them as excuses to get out of "life" things. For example if i don't want to leave the house or see/speak to anyone, i'll say i have a migraine, unless of course i do actually have a migraine then it's a bit like crying wolf. I may have promised to help someone and i've said my backs playing up, to get out of it. Harsh but true. I have done these things. But now i'm older and i'm addressing these mental and physical issues i have nothing to fall back on, and it's scary, but it's been the best thing ever. I'm now doing things with my life. If your hiding behind things too, for now it may be what you need, but dont use it forever. You need to get out there and make an effort to be a human.
If you take NO as a first and final answer you're going to get no where in life. If someone tells you, you can't do something and you let them close that door on that oppertunity and you DON'T fight to get through there, you never wanted it bad enough. If that doors closed, and you really care, you'd kick the door down, climb through a window, try the back door! Anything! And this is the same with everything, if it's fighting for someone you love, your family, your house, your job...a career...ýou scrape and claw at it until you're there. No isn't an answer, it's a momentary pause before you continue. I'm a perfect example!
My dream is to own my own Tattoo parlour. People have been telling me "no" from day one! But i'm still here trying to get to my original destination. First it was my art teacher in secondary school telling me i'm not an artist, my drawings are too "precised and technical", I do "too much research"... all of which is a GOOD thing in tattooing, she said i should "never persue a career in art"... you know what i did? I done my A-levels, and went to college to study Art and illustration, and was accepted straight away from the first page of my portfolio! My tutor loved my style and thought process. But when i finished college i wanted to go straight into a job, straight into tattooing at 18/19. But i was convinced not to by some of my family and by tutors at college, as tattooing "wasnt a real job". My ass it isn't! The tattoo industry has some of the hardest working and dedicated people you'll ever know, they put hours into their work, their art, their PASSION. And i had that passion right up until this point, when they threw a bucket of water over it. "Ÿou're too pretty to be a tattooist"- Yeah, well you're too narrow minded! That passion still burned underneath.
So instead i went to university to study Computer Game Design. It was a fantastic course, don't get me wrong, but it wasnt what i wanted. It took me two years of the course to realise, and in the end i dropped out, with half a degree and up to my eyeballs in debt. It's not a good way to start an adult life. I ended up nearly homeless at one point (with my fiance) and we had to get help from family to find ourselves a place, rented, so money down the drain, and then we had to get bog-standard boring jobs that neither of us wanted, just to get by and pay bills. I ended up in a supermarket for nearly 4 years and My other half in a large computing store. I left my job last year after my depression got too bad to function, and i only realise now that i'm getting better, that it was because i wasn't DOING anything with my life... I'd do tattoo designs for people, research local tattooists that had the right style they wanted and send them there. I'd apply to be an apprentice, get told my art was great but "they're not taking anyone on" but then i'd go in a month or so later and their "mates kid" would be working there, that's obviously great for them but i'm still stuck here with a "no". I didn't have these connections. My dad isnt a tattooist, nor is my best mate, they can't take me on! It was literaly a case of "who you know" whch is tough in a smaller town. Always a "no, sorry". And it was a "no" i'd been hearing for 5 years. Which is 5 years too long. I can't change the past, if i could i'd have gone straight into tattooing after college, but it's not worked out that way. So now i'm clawing my way down a side ally, all to eventually get to my goal of owning my own shop. I'm studying beauty part time to get myself back out into the work place, doing something i enjoy, it's not a "meaningless" job like the supermarket was. I will actually progress, get somewhere, earn the money i need to pay someone to give me the further tattooing experience i crave and need, i can even combine the two (kind of) with semi-premanent make up skills etc...
I know I'm a creative person and i need an outlet, if it' sewing, drawing, designing company logos, doing peoples make up, making them feel amazing, creating blog posts! Creating things has been the only constant in my life. I'm lucky to have support from my Husband, my mum, brother and sister etc... but the only thing that can get me anywhere is me. It took me too long to realise that, and i'm still at square one, but you know what? -I've drawn myself out a new path, worked around the obsticals and i'll get there.
This long-assed post is to tell you YOU CAN DO THE SAME.
If you're told no, exhaust every avenue. If you can't decide on something, do a list, pro's and cons, narrow it down so that you have one clear choice... everyone needs a goal. If you're lucky enough to know that goal already then go for it. Do all you can to get there. Not everyone is given the opportunities they may deserve, but you can always find another way to get there. No matter how big or small your goal is, make a plan of attack and just go for it. Life's too short to put it off for too long. If you miss your bus you'll be straned somewhere you dont want to be, so if the bus has passed, call a cab; NOW! Steal a skateboard, ride a horse majestically into the sunset! Whatever you do just go for it. So when you're old, and wrinkly and accomplished, with no "what if's" and maybe a few regrets, you can pass away peacefully and look back at your life and just think "FUCK YEAH, I DID THAT"
DO IT
NOW
RIGHT THIS SECOND!
Good luck! You know you deserve it! XxX
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