Always Keep Fighting

     I'm not jumping on the bandwagon of being the "biggest fan" of a recent celebrity who's death is all over the news, and I'm not writing this because it is popular to talk about. I've actually instead, been inspired to write and tell you that you matter.

Depression and all other mental health issues are horrible. No matter what you do or say, sometimes people just can't see that you are reaching out a helping hand. And equally some people are just so good at pretending they're floating along fine that under the surface even their closest family and friends cannot see that they are so close to being dragged under and drowning.

    This facade is unfortunately blameless. No two people can react to the same mental health issues in the exact same way. While subject number 1 with Depression can be obviously depressed and eventually receive help, subject number 2's depression could be completely masked, and masked so well they are overlooked by everyone. And both these subjects are equally as in need of help. But in the UK at least. although flawed, there is a system in place that can and WILL help if you ask. But something as simple as asking for help seems like just such an easy feat to any "normal" person. To someone suffering under the weight of their own mental health, this is almost impossible.
    To add to that- the day to day stigmas of close minded people who have never have, or never will suffer from any issues like this. Society has been so closed and looked away from so many people over the centuries, we have endless amounts of evidence of clearly mentally challenged, mentally disabled and mentally ill people suffering from various psychological mental health issues being either locked away, ignored, experimented on and even killed. There are studies into the horrors of Psychiatric hospitals, people with schizophrenia being "treated" for possession, being burned for being a witch. And all of this needless suffering and pain has come from the simple act of a lack of compassion and refusal to want to understand, and almost a fear because so many people seem unable to understand. And this exact thing is still happening, and I suspect will still continue to happen no matter how many people try and talk about it in a way that everyone will understand.
   

    Of course I am referring to Chester Bennington of Linkin Park. In the last couple of years we have had our fair share of celebrity deaths, through various reasons, including suicide, but none hit me quite as hard as this. Mainly because it brought to light the exact thing most mental health sufferers fear most, and that is the Depression (or other illness) winning.
   The only way I can begin to describe it is if you know you have this huge, overpowering darkness inside. You have lived under it for years. You are perhaps at a point where you have an umbrella to shield you from its heavy downpours, or you have a box you can compress it all down and store it in, and for the brief times you are not under its control, and you are able to be "Lucid" and "Normal" you can look back at it and see how much it affects your entire life. All aspects of it, like an annoying fly buzzing in the background of every conversation, every laugh, every smile, it's lurking back there and you know its there. You can even hear it on the happiest day at the happiest moments. You wonder how everyone else hears and sees the world without this evil buzzing about you and your entire life. And the fear as you look back from your lucidity is that it will get so big one day you can't put it back in its box, your umbrella wont work, no one walking past will be able to save you. Nothing will break through the overwhelming sadness you feel into your very soul- and what makes it worse is it all seems to be for no reason. You could have the love of your life next to you, beautiful kids and the perfect job, plenty of money and be the saddest most depressed person in the world. This pressure, this overwhelming horror of every day life hurting your soul on a daily basis makes you want to end it. What is the point in "living" if there is literally nothing to live for. If every day seems like it is your darkest day. When it feels like all the hatred in the entire world is your fault and it all falls back on you.
This is the scariest part. Your brain, Your emotions, your soul. What makes you you....is also the thing that seems to want to kill you. It makes you not want to be here any more. You don't want to eat, or you want to eat too much. you don't want to be alone but you don't want to go out. You can't stand your own company but you're stuck in here with you- forever.
Imagine the most hated person you can in your life. Someone you'd easily hurt without a second thought...now imagine that person is you. And live like that, for the rest of your days.
There is enough hatred on the planet as it is, without you then hating yourself too. And if you have a vendetta against yourself. Who's going to really win?

....

I am a diagnosed, high Anxiety sufferer and I have paranoia, and as a result this makes me depressed. I have been suffering for many, many years. I had my first panic attack at the age of 12 because I was worried about what happens to you when you die. And the very vast expanse that is our endless universe exists within what? What is the universe actually within...
BOOM. Panic.
I had no idea what this was. I thought that I'd been worrying about death so much I'd managed to kill myself with my mind.I actually thought I was dying and I couldn't escape it.
I still panic and freak out about this now. I had a panic attack about dying in June last year. I sat screaming and crying in absolute fear on my landing, while my husband cradled me and tried to calm me down. You cannot escape it.

I have Anxiety as a result of being sexually abused between the ages of 8-12 by a "well loved local man". he was a family friend. As a result of this, therapy, court case and coming to terms with it all... and also blaming myself. I missed a lot of school, kids at school I thought knew about it all and were talking about me. The people in my small town too...which it actually turns out they were talking about me, even going as far as to call me a "slut" at the age of 14. I had people that I was no longer allowed to be friends with... and I was constantly aware of everyone around me. Hyper aware. I'd listen to everyone else's conversations, even from afar. I'd be looking around everywhere to see who was where, if they were looking at me, what were they doing, why? Did I know them, are they walking towards me, if they do come over where can I go to get away from them. I started to predict things before they happened because I was so aware of everything I knew what was coming next, My natural instincts, my "fight or flight" reflex was on constant high alert. Code red 24/7. I became an introvert. I had a few very close very amazing friends. Who I am sure, without them and my amazing family, I wouldn't still be here...because living with that anxiety every day, being so on edge was exhausting and I was tired of myself and my life.
   By the age of 16 I didn't want to be here anymore. For someone so afraid of death and what happens when you die, I was very quick and willing to end it. THAT'S how much control it had. I knew this was such a bad thing to have, I grasped desperately at anything to keep me here. I remember watching ITV2 and a TV series called Supernatural was just airing, I watched the entire first season without fail and then it ended on a huge cliff hanger, I remember thinking "well I can't do it yet, I need to see what happens"- so literally as you can see, ANY excuse I could find to not let it win. It was like I was bargaining with my own brain to just survive a bit longer... just want to see the next season, or I just want to make it till Sunday so I can go on a walk to the local woods with my best friend...I cant do it now I've got to go swimming tomorrow with my Pops. I was desperate to anchor myself here for any reason, because daily I could feel this depression taking over and taking me away.
    I used to self harm as a way of controlling it. Remind myself that I was still in control and not my Anxiety or Depression, ME, I was still here. And if I wanted to mark myself I could. And I did.
   Guess what... I was in control, I am still here. I am a fighter. And ironically the cast of Supernatural have an "always keep fighting" campaign now for people who are struggling. (I will post links at the end).
I was officially diagnosed after becoming really bad again at the age of about 22. I was working for a large supermarket chain here in the UK. I had to move from a department I loved because of my scoliosis and I ended up on a department where I loved most of the people but one manager just didn't understand me at all. By this point in my life i'd worked out I had some form of anxiety and depression. So I also knew when I was pushing myself too much. I began to hate my job and this woman so much on the way to work I just wanted to walk into traffic, make it look like an accident. No one would hate me then. In the end i just wanted to jump off the overpass into the road below. I actually laughed at the image of her seeing my body and being like "oh I guess she really was depressed". She was the kind of person who would tell an Anorexic person to "just eat something". So ignorant to others needs.
    I knew I was becoming very bad, and also that perhaps I was focusing all of my paranoia into this one person hating me. I started to skip work a lot. Call in sick for weeks at a time. I knew it wasn't right so I went to the doctors...and he recommended I do less hours, this didn't go down well with the evil manager and I ended up being signed off work, for months at a time. I was put onto medication and told to "relax" try and enjoy the little things in the every day. The therapist I eventually did get to see told me to document my good days with photos and share them, as a way of proving to others I wasn't "mental" (as I kept describing it) and to help my paranoia. I had very few good days, but when I did i'd put the odd photo's online, i'd be proud that I left the house and that I did my own shopping etc...But this actually really backfired and I ended up getting several disciplinary's for "not looking sick" after people I worked and considered friends, took these photos of me out of context, without my captions explaining i'd conquered my agoraphobia and gone to the shop etc; all of it was seen as being off work for no reason. Apparently trying to kill yourself and wanting to kill yourself weren't acceptable reasons for being off work. They didn't understand that, the one photo of me in my garden, and the one of some cakes I baked...well, in my garden was as far out of my house as I had gone for an entire month, and that after id made the cupcakes I smashed them up because I was too fat to enjoy them. This manager sat across from me in my meeting and smirked as she read back my private Facebook status's and used examples of people seeing me food shopping, or out and about (usually going to therapy or my doctors) and they had told her I looked completely fine. So clearly there was nothing wrong. This hit me hard. Because first off, I felt like no one believed me. and secondly people who were my 'friends' at work, and so understanding were reporting me for this shit after knowing everything that was going on...
Paranoia overload.
I rage quit that job. I tried to get justice for constructive dismissal but I didn't have any evidence as I didn't document it all. I spiraled into a deep depression. got into debt because I was out of work for over a year in the end and I was saved simply by the strength of my Husband, my close family and a tiny amount of friends. In fact during this time I lost a lot of friends. I was declining invites. I went months without replying to people and seeing anyone. The darkness had escaped it's box and I was lost in it.

And this is why Chester hit me hard. So many people knew he was depressed. Knew he suffered. But everyone has said how he seemed "fine". he looked "fine" he was "happy".
   I used to (and still do) listen to Linkin Parks songs, and they used to speak to me on such a level that understood exactly how it felt, and I felt relieved that someone was making songs about the exact things I was feeling. This guy had this horrible thing of depression but he was beating it and did beat it every day...until one day it won. I am battling my issues back on a daily basis, friends and family members have their own similar issues, they are fighting every day, and looking at them and thinking about how it is terrifying that some may not win. What if IT wins. It gets so many people on a daily basis and their seems to be nothing we can do...But there is. Their really is. Just be there. Think of your words. The most precious thing on this earth is time. Respect the time you have and if you can give your time to others then do. Just a text or a phone call to see how someone is could save someones life. Let them know they matter to you. They are enough. And this planet needs them. You need them. And if you don't understand mental health issues or you think suicide is "selfish", spend one minuet talking to someone who has these problems, and actually LISTEN. Don't just listen to reply with why you are "right". Educate yourself. And if you still can't find that compassion for another human life, then perhaps question why you are here. If it's religion you believe, science, spirits...whatever, why are YOU here on this planet? Is it to be oblivious to everyone and everything else around you, what will that mean you take with you in the end? Is it to not care at all and just blindly skip along until you end. Or Is it to tell someone they mean something...could that be the only sentence you need to say to save someone, because surely even if you don't understand, knowing you have been supportive of another human soul is thousands of times better than the negativity people are so quick to spew. You matter. They Matter. All human lives matter. Even if you don't understand, you can help.

The planet is one finite force of life, and it all matters. Save everyone and everything you can. And Always Keep Fighting.

https://twloha.com/

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/what-speak-us-about/i-want-kill-myself

https://www.rethink.org/diagnosis-treatment/conditions/depression?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8feWlqHB1QIVh7XtCh2XRQiCEAAYBCAAEgLk-fD_BwE

https://www.rethink.org/diagnosis-treatment/conditions/anxiety-disorders/about?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4OC4pKHB1QIVLJPtCh0CFAL5EAAYAyAAEgI43_D_BwE

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/paranoia/#.WYZWmoQrJhE

Rant/Mind Rambling.

I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason", but sometimes I do just want to shake my fists at the universe and shout..."well what the fuck was this for? Was I a toilet brush in a past life!!!"

  I genuinely sympathize with anyone trying to get a solid 30h+ job in this day and age. I have a 20h a week job in a certain high street retail chain, and I love my job, but this time of year overtime is hard to get as all the uni and collage kids are out stealing it all. But my husband has been in retail and then hospitality for as long as I've known him. He's always worked 30-40h a week without question....until recently.
  He was a Duty Manager at a bar in a local Hotel. Really nice people, great job, but career advancements weren't quite as fast paced as he wanted so when he was offered the role as Manager of a bar he leapt at the chance, and left his secure job to go and work for a much smaller pub, but it'd be his own place to manage, and much better pay for the hours.
 He was originally hired with the pretense that he'd be replacing their current manager as she was terrible and they wanted to fire her. That didn't happen at all. Despite multiple complaints against her too. He was there for his 3 week trial, during this time the 'woman' that he was supposed to be replacing had began what we have worked out was her usual torrent of abuse to a new member of staff (this place has had more people leave than I've had hot dinners and we figure she is why) and he made a formal complaint about her after he started suffering with anxiety at just the thought of working with her. That's pretty much as far as it went. And it turned out after the 3 week trial they just wanted him as a general dogsbody. A barman. No set salary, no set working hours...Not slating barmen, it's a hard job, he's done it for years, but when you've worked your way up to manager you don't want to take that much of a step backwards, and why should you! So he left. But trying to find any job over 30 hours or that isn't a zero hour contract seems to be impossible around here. I truly think they don't realize how much it costs to run a house here in the UK. We have no savings left as we didn't have much in the first place and we used what we did have while he was transitioning over into his "new" job.
   He has got himself another new job within 9 days but its only 14h a week and the pay alone wouldn't even cover one months rent. It's going to be tough. It already is tough. When you include rent, gas, electric, council tax, water rates, internet, tv licence, feeding the pets...feeding ourselves, plus debts were still paying off from years ago...it's all too much and can so easily snowball out of control. We will never, EVER be in the financial situation where we could get a mortgage or a business loan to open our own bar/pub. Our credit history is just appalling, and then in times like this when you get into arrears again it just affects it more.
   We've already been arguing. Money is the ultimate stress maker. I hate it as much as I love what it can do for a person, the lack of it can royally screw up your life in a very short space of time. And I find myself getting annoyed with myself as I struggle with my various health issues, I wish I could push myself to find a job with more hours, or that my back problems and my mental health would allow me to work more hours, regularly without breaking myself. But i'm finding even doing extra overtime at the moment is making me feel broken and fragile mentally and physically. It's a terrible horrifying thought that we just exist to exchange hours of our lives to make money, to pay bills for things we don't inherently need to survive and live on this planet...yet here we are...little hamsters in our wheels turning the cogs on the industry. Our reward...4 weeks holiday a year, food money. bills to pay...and then retirement money...that you should have saved up yourself as there is no retirement/state funded pensions anymore.
I'm going to have to work until i'm dead just to be able to eat.
I do feel sometimes that if you have a disability or a mental health issue they just like to brush you off and ignore you until you break and remove yourself as a problem to them... and by "they" I mean any government body that's supposed to be there to help you financially and medically. But this is probably the defeatist in me coming out because of recent events and lack of help out there for people who have worked most of their lives who are having a bit of trouble...there is NO HELP.
I GIVE UP.


Side note; I'm also a tad proud of myself that given my list of disabilities from such a young age I do hold down a job and get up and go and do things. I know some people aren't able to do as many things as I can who suffer with similar issues and worse. So I do feel fortunate. It's just really hard sometimes to pretend to be fully functioning human being when really you're lucky your broken shell and mind can even roll you out of bed in the morning.

I've had a break. (And been on a break) Heartache/heartbreak and battling my Anxiety and Depression.

As many of you who regularly used to read my blog will know, I was happily married.

But life it seems, has to throw it's curve-balls. Just to make sure you're still paying attention and trying. That you haven't given up and fallen into a rut because it got "too easy".

   What you may not know is that although my Husband and I have been together 8 years. For 5 years of that we were trying for a baby. And failing. Despite that we still enjoyed our lives together. It wasn't a big thing- until it was a big thing for me. After a few basic tests we discovered he was completely fine and normally functioning. Which then meant that the issue lay with me.
I have had quite a horrific past sexually, but I'll leave that for another post- but that past, combined with feeling like I was failing as a basic human, let alone as a female, kinda sent me a bit off the rails. And my Husband too. Admittedly we became toxic for one another. He was reacting to my bullsh*t. And we never, and I mean NEVER talked about it...which was a massive mistake on both parts.

   After going to the Doctors in November 2014 and explaining our situation, and that we had been trying for 5 years, our lovely Doc referred us to the hospital so I could go through all the motions and help of fertility guidance etc...
He warned us there and then that most couples don't survive. But I dismissed that notion within seconds because we were "fine". But by the end of December It was quite apparent we were not "fine" by any measure. Arguing constantly which we never do- and I tell no lie, what we used to do was bicker, get pissed off then end up laughing about it and everything would be fine again, but nope- now there were full on shouting matches now. Even after moving house and our supposed "fresh start".
   One very tear-filled night at the very beginning of January 2015, not long after we got our fertility test date through- we decided to go our separate ways. We had been arguing almost constantly for a week, both saying stuff we knew neither of us meant, but we stuck by it because we were angry;
 "I don't want kids anyway"
"Everything has become stale and boring"
"I feel trapped"
We hurt each other so soooo bad and what stopped us from saying sorry was the fact we both felt like we deserved it.

 We stayed in the same house for a couple of months. I treated it like I was renting a room and we were friends. Which we were. (and still are) BEST FRIENDS. As it became apparent there was no going back I moved out and moved in with a good friend of mine. We each began seeing other people...my life became exciting again.
    I was lost weight. Discovered I was still attractive to other men. Building my confidence. Started my artwork again. Finished my Beauty Course. Started Gaming again! I was Battling my Anxiety too. I "found myself" as damn cheesy as that sounds- but I really did. I discovered what made my Social Anxiety and Depression worse. It did get worse for a short spell...and it got better again when i realised what my issue was...all without any outside help. I turned my inward hatred on its head and started looking out at everything bad like a challenge or an obstacle to over come. At first my Husband hated me, to him it seemed I had moved on so easily. And how quickly he moved on made me feel like I really couldn't have even meant that much to him in the first place. But we remained friends. Still things unspoken. Left in the past. Where it belonged.
   But although I missed him every day, and I had days where my head hurt from crying so much, and my heart felt like it was actually broken...I decided to outweigh the bad days with good days. Started making good and positive experiences for myself. Met some truely wonderful and amazing people along the way. And admittedly hurt a few people too. I think because I was becoming so positive and strong I was attracting guys but in the wrong way. Where as I was looking at it as fun life experiences, meeting new amazing people, one or two fell for me. And I hurt them. I put them through the heartbreak I was trying to escape. So I put a stop to that too. No more. No More guys. Yes the attention was nice and the confidence boost was great but now I didn't need it and they didn't deserve it.
   My friend i moved in with has been my rock. She's awesome. We started our own little Make up, Beauty and Hair business together. Suddenly I find I have a business head to screw on. things to do. Places to be. I changed jobs from minimum hours at Hobby Craft to Weekends at Primark. It's such a great place to work! I'm having so much fun. Suddenly I have A future, aspirations, dreams coming true...But Dreams without my Husband.

   I've known the man I call my Husband since I was 18. He literally knows me inside out and back to front. He can tell what mood i'm in by what smile i have on. He can tell what i'm thinking by what i'm doing with my hands. He's been my rock through my mental health issues. My body health issues and all the horrid negative hurdles I've had to jump...as well as being there through all the best times too. And now suddenly I was looking at all of this possibilities with renewed and refreshed eyes, but without him in the picture...but the space was there for him.
   We had seen each other regularly through our time apart. Even when we were both seeing other people. We still occasionally hung out. I'd go round for dinner once in a while. See our pets. Check-in with each other and with each others family,
   Officially we had been apart 9 months, We were messaging randomly and both said "I really miss you" within minutes of each other, and we both meant it. I felt myself well up. I thought he was angry at me for getting on so well without him. And it turned out he though I hated him for things he said or never did say. In the end we decided to meet up and go for a meal. Talk. And boy did we talk the night away. Said every single thing we wanted to say and neither of us reacted badly. We had both grown in our own ways. He was more responsible. Running a house had made him see the daily stress i went through as well as working, things he admittedly took for granted like having to clean up after his house mate...I even remember him saying "I just wish he'd help, its not hard to pick up a hoover or brush" and I laughed so hard because I had said pretty much that same sentence about him multiple times in the past. "Karmas a bitch" was my response to him.
   He saw how confident I had become in myself. Felt less pressure that he was the only thing keeping me happy. Saw that I was battling my Depression and Anxiety daily without him and winning. I had made myself stronger in his absance and this in turn meant there was less pressure on him to keep me running as well as himself. I relied on him almost too much. When my anxiety was at its worst i wouldnt even leave the house. He had to go to the shops for me. We never went out and did anything together. I was using him as my crutch. Not that he'd ever say it. He thought it was what he was supposed to do. As a Spouse to someone with mental health issues arent you supposed to be the one they rely on? - yes - but not entirely. .I was using him as an excuse to not get better. And it took me being without him to realise i was putting too much pressure on him to make me better. As much as he felt it was his job to- it really wasn't. He was support, not the cure. and that was a huge fault on my part and a massive realisation of being alone.
   But whatever switches flicked on in my head, well it worked. I realised this was a massive issue he'd never ever complain about.
   Now were dating again. Everything's had a master reset and been renewed. I feel like we're falling in love all over again. It just re-affirms the original feelings as an 19 year old that we were meant to be together. It's been a whirlwind experience but as much as its been heartbreaking and depressing its been revitalising and I feel like a new human stepping out into a new world of possibilities- but ones i'm making for myself. I'm not waiting to magically get better. I'm MAKING myself better. And i feel lucky in the fact that my Husband is going to still be there with me. Our hiatus has done something magically positive for us.

  Admittedly this isn't the case for all couples. I do believe some people just aren't meant to be. We've lost a lot of friends along the way, and cut out a good few more. We have made new friends and we, together, are taking it slow and building stronger foundations to stand on. Looking positively forward TOGETHER. I feel lucky to have the chance to try again. But also safe in the knowledge that i know neither of us will take one another for granted again as we both know we can survive without each other.

   We're like entirely different people yet with all the same foundations and memories of what made us so happy and great together in the first place.

   So yeah...that's why I've been on hiatus. And now i run my beauty stuff with my friend whos is an excelled hair dresser I figured it was a great time to get back into the swing of things again and get some beauty and hair stuffs on the go!
Thanks for Reading!
xoxo

I FAIL at being alone...

I've always been what i thought of as a "lone wolf" kind of person, very self-sufficient, don't need anyone etc... then i realised when i first left home to go to university in Wales, that in fact, this wasn't true...like at all.
When i was first born, i shared a room in a cot with my parents in a teeny 1 bed flat. From birth right up to the age of 5 and a half when my sister was born we lived there, all together, then we moved to a bigger house and i shared a room with my sister. That was the case, including all the usual arguments, room boundaries and the addition of my brother (who got his own room to himself) right up until i was 19 and left for uni.
University was the first time i'd had MY OWN ROOM. It was awesome, but at this point i'd already met someone, (my now husband), and 2-3 nights a week he'd come up and stay in my uni room with me on his days off work. And i'm not even sure university counted as being alone because i shared halls with 4 other people! Then there was a shared house where my partner and i shared a room, and lived together. Then, after leaving university we moved into a friends house for a few months, then got our own flat... now we have a house we rent!!!
So... in conclusion, all those time's when i was younger, i felt like i had no friends, no one around, that i was "alone" i was ALWAYS with someone, or someone was always around. And Now for the FIRST TIME EVER in my life i am literally all alone in my house for more then a couple of days and i feel like i've gone utterly mad after less then a whole day! I literally have cried my eyes out on and off all day; i'm bored, so i moved ALL OF THE FURNITURE around and then got tired, argued with the cats, the cats argued with each other, then i got in a huff because i couldn't get the room to look how i wanted it, then i cried again, then i made dinner, then i carried on tidying up after i'd DESTROYED everything (because i was bored) and now i've just found myself in tears again because i'm making my usual hot drink before bed and i wanted to ask my Husband if he wanted one, and of course he's away, and it was just so depressing to see just one cup on the side...Way to go lone wolf...really pulling your independence out of the bag!!!

What makes all of this worse, with a somewhat generous sprinkling of irony, is that i suffer very badly with Social Anxiety, and it usually results in some form of Agoraphobia too. So while i'm sat at home feeling all alone, i also don't want to go outside and see anyone, or even have anyone come round, because my brain doesn't like that either. I'm DOOMED.

I'm going to bed alone, to watch Pokemon, probably play Pokemon Y, with my two cats, crazy cat lady style... i'm no lone wolf... piisssh. Closest thing i'll have to a strong independent "wolf" status is the fact i howl when i cry.

...coming soon....
What i HATE about having Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia...and why people who don't have it should experience it at least once.

Motivational Blog Post; A bit about my life/grab life by the horns/ do it now!

If you can make it to the end it'll be worth it i promice. I'm doing this long rambling because I've just finished having a brief but heavy conversation with my Husband about his goals in life, and "getting somewhere". He had a negative response for any suggestion and this has made me realise, i wish i was eliquent enough to be a motivational speaker, because i (hope) i kicked his butt with words!

Some of you may know, if you follow me on Instagram (sway1988) or on facebook (facebook.com/kimberleycreative) that i suffer from Social Anxiety, Depression and mild agrophobia, as well as a number of medical issues including a mild scoliosis, migraines, hip issues and a heart murrmur. I'll be the first to admit in the past and sometimes even now i use them as excuses to get out of "life" things. For example if i don't want to leave the house or see/speak to anyone, i'll say i have a migraine, unless of course i do actually have a migraine then it's a bit like crying wolf. I may have promised to help someone and i've said my backs playing up, to get out of it. Harsh but true. I have done these things. But now i'm older and i'm addressing these mental and physical issues i have nothing to fall back on, and it's scary, but it's been the best thing ever. I'm now doing things with my life. If your hiding behind things too, for now it may be what you need, but dont use it forever. You need to get out there and make an effort to be a human.

If you take NO as a first and final answer you're going to get no where in life. If someone tells you, you can't do something and you let them close that door on that oppertunity and you DON'T fight to get through there, you never wanted it bad enough. If that doors closed, and you really care, you'd kick the door down, climb through a window, try the back door! Anything! And this is the same with everything, if it's fighting for someone you love, your family, your house, your job...a career...ýou scrape and claw at it until you're there. No isn't an answer, it's a momentary pause before you continue. I'm a perfect example!

My dream is to own my own Tattoo parlour. People have been telling me "no" from day one! But i'm still here trying to get to my original destination. First it was my art teacher in secondary school telling me i'm not an artist, my drawings are too "precised and technical", I do "too much research"... all of which is a GOOD thing in tattooing, she said i should "never persue a career in art"... you know what i did? I done my A-levels, and went to college to study Art and illustration, and was accepted straight away from the first page of my portfolio! My tutor loved my style and thought process. But when i finished college i wanted to go straight into a job, straight into tattooing at 18/19. But i was convinced not to by some of my family and by tutors at college, as tattooing "wasnt a real job". My ass it isn't! The tattoo industry has some of the hardest working and dedicated people you'll ever know, they put hours into their work, their art, their PASSION. And i had that passion right up until this point, when they threw a bucket of water over it. "Ÿou're too pretty to be a tattooist"- Yeah, well you're too narrow minded! That passion still burned underneath.
So instead i went to university to study Computer Game Design. It was a fantastic course, don't get me wrong, but it wasnt what i wanted. It took me two years of the course to realise, and in the end i dropped out, with half a degree and up to my eyeballs in debt. It's not a good way to start an adult life. I ended up nearly homeless at one point (with my fiance) and we had to get help from family to find ourselves a place, rented, so money down the drain, and then we had to get bog-standard boring jobs that neither of us wanted, just to get by and pay bills. I ended up in a supermarket for nearly 4 years and My other half in a large computing store. I left my job last year after my depression got too bad to function, and i only realise now that i'm getting better, that it was because i wasn't DOING anything with my life... I'd do tattoo designs for people, research local tattooists that had the right style they wanted and send them there. I'd apply to be an apprentice, get told my art was great but "they're not taking anyone on" but then i'd go in a month or so later and their "mates kid" would be working there, that's obviously great for them but i'm still stuck here with a "no". I didn't have these connections. My dad isnt a tattooist, nor is my best mate, they can't take me on! It was literaly a case of "who you know" whch is tough in a smaller town. Always a "no, sorry". And it was a "no" i'd been hearing for 5 years. Which is 5 years too long. I can't change the past, if i could i'd have gone straight into tattooing after college, but it's not worked out that way. So now i'm clawing my way down a side ally, all to eventually get to my goal of owning my own shop. I'm studying beauty part time to get myself back out into the work place, doing something i enjoy, it's not a "meaningless" job like the supermarket was. I will actually progress, get somewhere, earn the money i need to pay someone to give me the further tattooing experience i crave and need, i can even combine the two (kind of) with semi-premanent make up skills etc...

I know I'm a creative person and i need an outlet, if it' sewing, drawing, designing company logos, doing peoples make up, making them feel amazing, creating blog posts! Creating things has been the only constant in my life. I'm lucky to have support from my Husband, my mum, brother and sister etc... but the only thing that can get me anywhere is me. It took me too long to realise that, and i'm still at square one, but you know what? -I've drawn myself out a new path, worked around the obsticals and i'll get there.
This long-assed post is to tell you YOU CAN DO THE SAME.

If you're told no, exhaust every avenue. If you can't decide on something, do a list, pro's and cons, narrow it down so that you have one clear choice... everyone needs a goal. If you're lucky enough to know that goal already then go for it. Do all you can to get there. Not everyone is given the opportunities they may deserve, but you can always find another way to get there. No matter how big or small your goal is, make a plan of attack and just go for it. Life's too short to put it off for too long. If you miss your bus you'll be straned somewhere you dont want to be, so if the bus has passed, call a cab; NOW! Steal a skateboard, ride a horse majestically into the sunset! Whatever you do just go for it. So when you're old, and wrinkly and accomplished, with no "what if's" and maybe a few regrets, you can pass away peacefully and look back at your life and just think "FUCK YEAH, I DID THAT"

DO IT

NOW

RIGHT THIS SECOND!

Good luck! You know you deserve it! XxX

Beauty Therapy and I GOT A JOB :/

So, I started my level 2 beauty evening course this week. Needless to say I'm loving it. My Anxiety played up a little the day before and on the day but thanks to the lovely peeps on a facebook support group, some yoga breathing and some music, panic attacks were avoided.
I'm currently studying Wednesday and Thursday nights 6-9. We've already been practicing facials, thats the point at which all the blokes I know laugh! All the women on the course seem lovely, a couple are a bit shy and quiet, I thought I'd be like that but turns out I actually feel quite confident there as its a small group ans our teacher is really nice. Very practical orientated too, as I find it easier to learn things visually anyway.

Turns out I'm a natural. Didn't need too much pushing to just go for it and I'm really proud of myself.
My only real big gripe is with the college itself as I need a bursary for my uniform and kit. My course started on the 6th, apparently applications for bursarys closec on the 1st... so I was apparently somehow supposed to apply for it without knowing what I was actually applying for! Uuugh. So now I have to go back in next week once the admin lady has spoken to her manager to see what she can do. Only problem is I kinda need it within the next week or so and I start my trial at my job next week...

Oh yeah, did I mention I got the job at Primark! I'm not sure how my anxiety or depression will fare but I'm goingbto give it a try. Its only a temporary job anyway for Christmas, so worst comes to the worst I can always leave if I can't get on with juggling that and college yet.
Wish me luck!
XxX